


i give you all of me

by YOONSONGHEE



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Choi Yeonjun, Mentioned Hwang Hyunjin, Mentioned Kim Seungmin, Neopronouns, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Bang Chan, Trans Character, idk what it's called, internal neopronoun discourse?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:34:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27940868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YOONSONGHEE/pseuds/YOONSONGHEE
Summary: As Minho lay in bed, he couldn't help but think of Chan who was always there for others and so ready to help other people always giving them his all. But Minho couldn't help but worry that if Chan was giving his all to others, there will be none of him left for himself.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 1
Kudos: 64





	i give you all of me

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I wanted to clarify that with this story, I am not trying to shame people for wanting or needing help, I'm just saying that if you are the type of person to put your all into somebody else and are constantly helping others, remember to take care of yourself as well.

Minho sat on the bed looking at an uninteresting spot on the floor as he listened to the noises of the flat. Chan sang his heart out in the shower, the hum of the boiler from the kitchen, while he could hear his breathing loud in his ears. Letting all these noises sink into the background he thought of everything he had noticed this past week.

•••

“Hey Binnie-hyung,” Felix said as they got up to follow Jisung to wherever the two were going, “you want some?”

Changbin eyes the bag of chocolate that Felix was holding in their hands and felt his stomach twist and turn at the thought of eating anything even though it was already afternoon and he hadn’t eaten since yesterday early evening.

“N-no,” he stuttered at first before clearing his throat and smiling at Felix, “I’m fine Felix.”

Felix just nodded before jogging to catch up with Jisung leaving Changbin with Chan and Minho on the bench. Minho was just scrolling through social media on his phone with his head resting on Chan’s shoulder when his boyfriend started speaking.

“Hey Changbin, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“When Felix offered you some of their food, the look on your face it,” Chan hesitated and Minho could feel the older take a deep breath, “it reminded me of two years ago when everything was, you know.”

Hearing Chan vaguely reference what happened two years ago made Minho shudder internally as he recalled when Changbin’s eating disorder reached its peak and the youngest of the trio was spiralling hard for about two months before he was able to get back on his feet again. In the two years that had passed, there had been a few slip-ups but no relapses which made him glad as he saw Changbin staying confident in his body. At least, until now.

“I’m not relapsing hyung, don’t worry,” Changbin assured, but his voice sounded flat as if he didn’t believe it himself, “I’m just worried.”

“About what?” Chan asked, placing a hand on Changbin’s shoulder, “come on Binnie you can tell hyung anything.”

“It’s just, I’m happy with the healthy weight that I’ve put on, I’m just worried that it might be too much weight. I want to be happy but the urge to completely control my body is still at the back of my mind and I can’t stop it,” the younger sounded so pained that it made Minho sit up and finally look at him.

While he was protective over his friends, Minho hated times like this when they were having issues with their self-worth or mental health, simply because he couldn’t protect them from themselves. However, seeing Chan pull Changbin in for a hug, he realised that he shouldn’t let his worries run too deep.

“Listen to me carefully Binnie,” Chan said as he rocked the two back and forth, “of course you’ll get those little urges, it’s impossible for it to just disappear that easily no matter how much we wish it would. Just always come to one of us if it goes any further than that, okay? We care about you and are willing to drop anything to be there for you.”

“Thank you hyung,” Changbin whispered as he found comfort in Chan’s embrace.

Watching the scene, Minho joined the hug to show his love and support for Changbin and also glanced at his boyfriend to see how he was feeling. Chan just smiled at him and threw an arm around Minho too.

•••

The next time Minho noticed Chan’s behaviour was the day Felix came frantically knocking on the couple’s flat door, looking like they were on the edge of a panic attack. The younger paced up and down the living room a couple of times before throwing themselves on the couch and hiding their face in their hands.

“Hey, Lixie,” Chan sat next to Felix, leaving enough space so they wouldn’t feel overwhelmed but not too much so they wouldn’t feel Chan’s presence, “please take deep breaths for me and tell me what’s going on.”

“Hyung I-“ Felix’s breath hitched showing how emotional they were and Minho wanted to go and comfort them but knew that they needed their space, “hyung, I use neopronouns. And I wanted to tell Seungmin, Hyunjin and Jisung all at the same time to get it over with but I chickened out instead so I started running until I came here.”

“Oh Felix, that’s completely valid,” Chan put his hand in the space between them inviting Felix to hold his hand if needed, “I wouldn’t expect you to be perfectly confident when coming out especially if this is something you’re only now coming to terms with.”

“But hyung it’s not just that,” Felix said, their voice wavering, “I don’t even think anybody knows or uses neopronouns in this goddamn country! Only people online talk about it but you never hear about them in real life.”

“That doesn’t matter Felix,” Chan states firmly but gently, “if it makes you feel safe, comfortable, happy and valid, then you can use them and people will respect you. Otherwise, I’ll get Minho to fight them.”

Felix chuckled wetly at Chan’s threat and finally took their head out of their hands showing their tear-stained face. They put their hands in Chan’s hand and squeezed it tightly in a silent thanks.

“I love you hyung.”

“I love you too Felix.”

“First of all: despite your bond, Chan is still my boyfriend,” Minho said playfully to lighten up the atmosphere, “and secondly I know there’s at least one other person on this campus who uses neopronouns.”

“Really? Who hyung?”

“One of Changbin’s friends Yeonjun. I remember seeing the two of them together once and I learned a bit about neopronouns and how they work. Yeonjun’s pronouns are dream pronouns by the way.”

“Do you mind telling us a bit more about yours Lix?” Chan asked.

“Yes of course!” Felix now had the brightest smile on their face, a drastic contrast to earlier, “come sit with us Minho-hyung!”

Minho pushed his observations to the back of his head as he walked over to the couch and listened to Felix lovingly ramble about their sun pronouns.

•••

The third and most recent time it happened is when Minho realised just how far it went. 

It all started when Jisung had called them, concerned as Jeongin hadn’t left their dorms for the past three days missing classes and outings despite not being sick. Minho had volunteered to go with Chan knowing that the situation would be heavy especially since Chan woke up feeling dysmorphic that morning. 

When they reached Jisung and Jeongin’s dorm, they hadn’t expected to find Jeongin sobbing on the floor as scratched at his bare arms. He was wearing a light blue crop top and pink skirt but despite the bright attire, it was impossible to not see the darkness radiating off the boy.

“Oh my God Innie,” Chan muttered as he held Jeongin’s hands to stop him from hurting himself any more, “stop hurting yourself okay, just talk to hyung please.”

“Hyung,” Jeongin breathed out emotionlessly, “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“What happened baby?”

“Nothing, that’s the stupid thing,” he chuckled humourlessly as he looked at Chan with dull eyes, “nothing happened, the feeling just came out of nowhere. I’m so stupid right hyung? I even wore these clothes hoping they would work but it didn’t.”

“Yang Jeongin, you are not stupid,” Chan said looking Jeongin straight in his eyes, “it is okay to feel like this, people feel like this sometimes. Just please, don’t act on these feelings, just come to any of us if you need help getting through it. Act out, commit a crime, punch an arsehole I don’t care. Just don’t act on this feeling, okay?”

Instead of giving a response, Jeongin broke down crying into Chan’s arms, his whole body shaking with the force of his sobs. Knowing that Chan was in the middle of helping Jeongin pull himself from this low point, Minho began cleaning up Jeongin’s room, sorting out the scattered objects and clothes while making a mental note in his brain.

•••

Now, Minho was laying down in bed, watching Chan climb in next to him and he remembered the mental note he made just days before. He waited for Chan to snuggle under the bed sheets before turning to him with a serious look on his face.

“Hey, Channie?”

“Yes, Minho?”

“Why do you give so much to others and not yourself?”

“What do you mean babe?” Chan questioned furrowing his brows slightly.

“The day that you noticed Changbin was having eating troubles again, you almost had a panic attack about one of your assignments. When Felix came out to us as a neopronouns user, that same day you started feeling insecure in your sexuality due to a comment from some bigot,” Minho watched as Chan’s eyes widened in shock, whether at his boyfriend’s inquisitive eyes or that he was being confronted about his behaviour.

“And lastly, when we went to help Jeongin, you told me that morning that you were feeling so dysmorphic you wanted to die and start over.”

“I wasn’t being serious though I-“

“If you said it you were serious enough Chan,” Minho countered, watching Chan fidget and avoid his eyes, “I’m not mad darling, I just want to know why you do this.”

“Because,” Chan sighed before looking at Minho with tears eyes, “it’s so much easier to help others work through their issues than it is to work through my own. I help them with their problems and hope somehow it will solve my own. But I guess it doesn’t work that way, huh?”

“Chan, remember this,” Minho cupped Chan’s face and kissed his forehead, “when I’m around, your brain doesn’t need to go into overtime. The same way others open up to you, open up to me. Not because I’m your boyfriend, but because I want to help and be there for you. Okay?”

Chan moved forwards and wrapped his arms around Minho’s waist before putting his face into the younger’s chest. He hummed, satisfied and looked up at Minho with loving eyes.

“Okay.”


End file.
